i'm learning such amazing things!

as i continue to ready my book about job i learn such amazing things. today God truly revealed some things to me. in life as christians we can't sit back and think that God is only going to bless us. with those blessings come trials and tribulations and i think because God has blessed Nathan and I so much it makes it a little easier to lean on him and deal with what we are going through now. i cannot once look back on my life and say God has not blessed me. three things that come to mind right away are nathan, noah & the twins. there is even so much more. we have struggled through such hard times but if we relyed on God he always always ALWAYS saw us through. another thing he showed me today was how satan attacked Job. the first time he did what seemed the worst, took his family, his fortune, and all possesions that he had. Job did not deny God. satan was so angry that again he tried to attack Job. Job had sores all over his body and was in agonizing pain; his own wife was cursing God but he stood up against all this and still did not deny the Lord. can you imagine how angry satan must have been. i mean we all know he is a sore loser but seriously it makes me laugh hysterically that right now satan is so angry that i am finding joy in the midst of turmoil. that i have not denied who i am and how i can lean on God. i have been a christian for a long time but this is the first time in my life that i will openly talk to people i don't know about God and i truly don't care if they think i'm weird, or if they aren't a believer, i just simply do not care. i just got done talking to mom and i said by the time i get outta this joint i'm gonna be so ready to explode that i may start speaking in tongues in church. anyone who knows me would think yea right. the thought of that before always took me out of my comfort zone but now i just do not care if people think i'm crazy. today has been such a good day. each day gets better. i am so thankful that God created me to be a strong & determined person. he knew before i was born that i would go through this some day. my days are numbered just as ethan's were. ethan's life served a purpose that i don't even understand yet. i know that each one of my son's are going to change someone's life in a miraculous way. i truly believe God made them to be amazing little boys. their names alone have such powerful meanings and they will always have big shoes to live up to and fill, but i know that they will. i don't want to grow them up to soon but i look so forward to the future and what God has in store for them. it is late and i am worn out today had a good visit with noah and mom & shannon and kate. until the next time.......

not a long one today

today i am blogging a little later than usual and i am pretty tired. it was an eventful day not for Elijah but for me. i finally faced i don't wanna call it fear but anxiety when something happened and i thought i was going into labor! i wasn't but it still made me collide with reality. i continued reading into the second chapter of the book that Karen gave me about Job and it seems that the more i read the more realizations i have about this whole situation. satan is for some reason scared of me and my family and he is out to destroy the relationship i have with God. and like i said before that is not going to happen. God allowed satan to test me and he knew before i was born that this would happen. MY GOD KNEW THAT I WOULD NOT DENY HIM. today was an especially good day for me. God taught me something today that i will never forget. everything we have in life whether it be our family, children etc., our possesions and our finances God has "loaned" to us. ethan would not exist had got not placed him in my womb and ripened him into the sweet little baby that he could bring to heaven to live with him. he also created elijah and through all of this has allowed me to keep this other special gift that he loaned to me. i know elijah will do great things for the Lord. all of this that God taught me today has really brought me peace and rest. that's what i have needed. God is begining to heal my heart and bring me peace & rest. i continue to find comfort in the verse "be still and KNOW that I am GOD" until next time......

A good day!

So today has been a good day. After my complete emotional breakdown last night I needed a day like today. It went by so quickly. Seems like the days are going by and I know it will only be a short time til I am looking back at this whole nightmare saying I can't believe how long its been. I look so forward to staring into Elijah's eyes and just embracing the gift that God has let me keep. Knowing to that I will always have a part of Ethan in Eli. I started reading this book about Job and in only reading the first chapter it gave me a strong realization. Satan is scared of me and he thinks by all the things he has done to me that I will eventually walk away from my faith. Well let me tell you that is not going to happen. You would think by now that he would get the point. I am strong, determined and too much of a fighter to ever give up. God made me that way and although I have not always used the skills to the best of my ability he knew this day would come and I would need to find the strength and determination to go on. I got an email today from someone very special who reminded me that God does have a plan, and it really made me think....I know God is changing someone's heart somewhere, whether that be my dad, my brothers or someone I have never met he is doing a work. I talked to Patti today for such a long time and I said one of the smartest things I think I've said in a long time. (Even she was impressed ;) ) I am here crying out to God, letting him know that I am ready to stand on top of the mountain. I do not want to be in the valley anymore!! If I could ask for one thing it would not be to bring Ethan back because it would be unfair to bring him back to this imperfect, immoral world. But it would be to just let Elijah grow up to be what his name has called him to be. If you pray for anything for my family please let it be for my children. That they would become all that God has created them to be. That is what I am going to focus on from now on. Praise God! Until the next time..........

feeling lonely

So I decided that during this whole crazy stay in the hospital and with everything that is going on I should start a blog. I am so good at journaling and I really need to find an outlet for all my feelings and emotions. Plus I figure if people want to know how I'm doing, feeling etc. they can just get on here and don't even have to worry about reaching me. I love hearing from friends and I wish more people would come to visit especially today. I feel like on friday I had a real breakthrough or reached a turning point. I still feel that way but today I have just been feeling so lonely. Like there is absolutly noone who understands what I am going through right now. The way my body is changing and the fact that I am still carrying a baby that I lost. I feel so out of control, sad, anxious, angry, but on the other hand joyful and thankful that Elijah is doing so well. I'm begining to think of what I won't get to ever see Ethan do or experience. I think people just expect me to not think about what his future would have been like but I can't help it. It really is complete torture but like I said its me being out of control because I can't stop what my mind thinks. The last 9 days in the hospital have not been bad at all. I think I am just developing a routine here and putting myself on somewhat of a schedule. I think the stability of a routine is my coping mechanism. If I didn't know it before I now know for sure that I am a control freak! Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me. To let him be in control and quit trying to control the people, things and situations around me. Wow I just figured that out while I was sitting here typing lol! This blog is going to be such a good thing for me. In my times of loneliness I can scream it out on paper (aka the computer screen) Besides feeling lonely though I did have a great day. I got to spend the morning with my parents and Noah and Nathan stayed last night and all day today. We watched a movie then I had my breakdown of the day but he was here to comfort me and that brought me comfort. I love seeing Noah too. He just mends those broken pieces of my heart. Feeling Eli move does the same. Its amazing how much this little boy moves. Even the nurses and ultrasound tech are amazed at what he manages to do to my belly. Its like the wave haha. I talked to the doctor today and she really answered all my questions well. We talked about vaginal birth which I have decided to go with if my body lets me. I was really scared about it before because of the thought of laboring and having one living baby and vice versa but after we talked about the risks and how quickly and easy it will be for me (considering I had an 8 something baby before) I feel confident in my decision to go with that route. I just am praying that God gives me the strength I need. He has up to this point so I won't stop believing in him now. Well I feel like I have typed about all my emotions that I have for now. Until next time.........