ethan

1 peter 5:10
.......after you have suffered a little while, Christ himself will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

When I found this verse today it wasn't part of my daily devotion. It was something my bible just flipped open to. It was exactly what I needed. And as I just typed it out on my computer I made a strong realization about the verse. The definition for Ethan is "strong, firm & enduring." How amazing is that. The verse offers hope and completly describes my son, the son I lost and have suffered for, yet God promises to restore me and give me the characteristics that define my son's name. I am still in shock at this verse. I'm just sitting here staring at it. How cool that God continues to show me things everyday. There is no end to his mercy & glory!! That is all I have for today but in this short paragraph I think this is all that was needed to be said. Until next time.....

its been a very hard few days

Psalm 139:13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb....my frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place....all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
* i feel like every devotion i have done this week has had to do with pregnancy and even a mother giving birth to a child who had passed. part of me feels like i'm being tortured yet God is continuing to do a work in my heart through all of this heartache. i sit hear typing with tears running down my cheeks. i am so emotionally exhausted and so ready for all of this to be over, but i'm trying to trust in God and nothing else that there is a purpose for all of this heartache. i can't express how thankful i am to the Lord for Elijah but i am mourning so badly that my whole body aches. i finally understand the phrase my heart hurts. i feel like part of me is dying and i don't want that. how am i supposed to say hello & goodbye to a child that i have bonded with but don't know? how am i supposed to take my healthy baby home and collect my family and go back to normal life? i just am really becoming weary. i have faith and trust in God and i am so determined to find the best out of this situation. i sit here praising God while i listen to my Israel CD but feel so broken at the same time. how can i feel both emotions at the same time? is this what God has wanted for me all along? to finally be broken and completley lean on him? well i can say that i am broken and vunerable to all God has in store for me. Lord i am here calling out to you to save me and to bring me joy, peace, rest; all the things you promised you would give us if we asked. right now i want all of those so i can be happy. i hope that somewhere this blog or my situation is touching someones heart in an incredible way. i have been listening to this song and that is what i am going to leave you with.......


People walking by very seldom they say hi
They don't know how wonderful you are
If they only knew all the things
You've been through
If only they could see your heart

I hear you crying for help
Please don't blame yourself

You are not forgotten
You are not forgotten

When its time to go to sleep
And you try your best to keep
Yourself from falling apart
There's no need to fear because I'm already here
And I'm the one who sees your heart

I hear you crying for help
Please don't blame yourself

You are not forgotten
You are not forgotten

You are not just a face in the crowd
You are not a forgotten child
Let me whisper it loud I love you

Now you can hold your head up high
Cause I'll make everything alright
I'm committed to you smiling again
And eventually you'll see people's similarities
That everyone just needs a friend

And when you're crying for help
You'll be able to tell them please tell them for Me

You are not forgotten
You are not forgotten

Now if this isn't God speaking straight to you or me I don't know what is. I have found so much comfort in this song and I hope it can bring comfort to other people who are going through their own trials and tribulations. Just always remember that there is someone else somewhere else going through something much worse than you are. Until the next time......

tears of joy

i think today that nathan finally got ahold of his emotions with all of this and somewhat dealt with them. it has been building and building inside of him and he came to the point where he said enough is enough. i am so proud of the man that i am married to and he is such a great father. i think instead of looking at this as a tragedy he is finally seeing the good in that he will have two sons to carry on his name. God has blessed him with that much. we will always have fond thoughts and memories of ethan but God has still given us the responsibilities of bringing up two boys. i'm sitting here with tears welled up in my eyes but not out of sadness. i am crying tears of joy knowing that my little elijah is so determined to fight and grow. the doctors are extremely happy with his progress, how much he weighs; just his will to live. i keep joking that i am going to struggle having two strong willed children, but deep inside my heart i am so giddie about it. i know they get their determination from me. i hope that noah and elijah grow up to be the best of friends. that they will understand one and other and help each other through hard times. well that's about all i have in me tonight. the last couple of days have been a blur. echo tomorrow to check the status of eli's heart. i believe all will go well. until the next time......

Psalm 126:5-6

Psalm 126:5-6
"Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy.."

Throughout the last 16 days only the Lord knows how many tears I have shed. But in the midst of it all I find myself reading this verse and finding such comfort in it. Those who sow in tears WILL reap with songs of joy. How reassuring can you possibly get. I feel like God spoke right to me and said " Ashley I see your tears, but I also see your faithfulness to me." That is an amazing feeling to know that in my time of grief God is listening but I have not let those tears shadow what else he is seeing. My enduring love and faith towards him. Though I have cried so much I feel like I couldn't cry anymore, I have found joy in another place. Elijah continues to give me joy and Elijah will always be a part of Ethan. Ever since mom mentioned the double portion that's all I can focus on is that God blessed me with two more sons. He chose to take Ethan back because he knew that it was for the best. I can't say I understand this completly, but I have such faith in my God that I do trust his decision. What an awesome God to give me two children and not one. What an awesome God that I will still experience the miracle of another child. I am so excited to see what my future holds for me. Once again I come back to the verse, Those who sow in tears, will reap in songs of joy. Its so amazing what God is doing through me and for me....until the next time

lets try this again

ok we are going to try this again this morning. yesterday was a very good day. i a growth ultrasound and Elijah now weighs 3lbs 14oz. he is weighing what a 32 week baby should!! i am 30 weeks 1 day today. i am hoping to be here until 34 weeks which could make him be close to 5 1/2 lbs! i could most likely bring him home. through all of this that would be such a miracle. my dr this morning said that despite everything that has happened to the twins and with losing Ethan, and i quote " this little guy is doing excellent" how reassuring is that. i know that Elijah is my little miracle baby. he is going to bring so much joy into our home and i am just looking forward to the little boy that he is going to be. noah on the other hand we'll see how they handle each other! ha ha let me go on about the book of Job that i'm reading. in the last chapter i read i learned that God gives satan permission to attack us on so many levels and this doesn't make him a mean God but it is God's way of proving to satan that through whatever trial we will not fall or deny him. God is smiling right now because not only is he holding my son in his arms and calling him perfect, but his faith in me has been reaffirmed that i did not turn from him during this trial. while i was sitting here reading the other day God laid something on my heart. that one day soon i will start a ministry. he wouldn't give me details but it has me so puzzled as to what it is. i think of my talents with music and talking to people, obviously gifts from God but something deep inside is telling me that it won't be those gifts that i use for my ministry. i have this excitement growing inside of me because i am so anxious to know what his plan is, but i am trying to sit quietly and allow him to show me. now we all know i don't have patience but through this pregnancy and its ups and downs i am growing a little. i see myself changing in so many ways and its incredible. i am drawing near to what God has called me to be and who he has called me to be. i am so excited! i think that's all i have for today so until the next time.......

the last two days

well people i just spent an hour blogging and i completely lost it. guess i'm not supposed to blog. i will catch you all up tomorrow because i am tired....until next time

i'm learning such amazing things!

as i continue to ready my book about job i learn such amazing things. today God truly revealed some things to me. in life as christians we can't sit back and think that God is only going to bless us. with those blessings come trials and tribulations and i think because God has blessed Nathan and I so much it makes it a little easier to lean on him and deal with what we are going through now. i cannot once look back on my life and say God has not blessed me. three things that come to mind right away are nathan, noah & the twins. there is even so much more. we have struggled through such hard times but if we relyed on God he always always ALWAYS saw us through. another thing he showed me today was how satan attacked Job. the first time he did what seemed the worst, took his family, his fortune, and all possesions that he had. Job did not deny God. satan was so angry that again he tried to attack Job. Job had sores all over his body and was in agonizing pain; his own wife was cursing God but he stood up against all this and still did not deny the Lord. can you imagine how angry satan must have been. i mean we all know he is a sore loser but seriously it makes me laugh hysterically that right now satan is so angry that i am finding joy in the midst of turmoil. that i have not denied who i am and how i can lean on God. i have been a christian for a long time but this is the first time in my life that i will openly talk to people i don't know about God and i truly don't care if they think i'm weird, or if they aren't a believer, i just simply do not care. i just got done talking to mom and i said by the time i get outta this joint i'm gonna be so ready to explode that i may start speaking in tongues in church. anyone who knows me would think yea right. the thought of that before always took me out of my comfort zone but now i just do not care if people think i'm crazy. today has been such a good day. each day gets better. i am so thankful that God created me to be a strong & determined person. he knew before i was born that i would go through this some day. my days are numbered just as ethan's were. ethan's life served a purpose that i don't even understand yet. i know that each one of my son's are going to change someone's life in a miraculous way. i truly believe God made them to be amazing little boys. their names alone have such powerful meanings and they will always have big shoes to live up to and fill, but i know that they will. i don't want to grow them up to soon but i look so forward to the future and what God has in store for them. it is late and i am worn out today had a good visit with noah and mom & shannon and kate. until the next time.......

not a long one today

today i am blogging a little later than usual and i am pretty tired. it was an eventful day not for Elijah but for me. i finally faced i don't wanna call it fear but anxiety when something happened and i thought i was going into labor! i wasn't but it still made me collide with reality. i continued reading into the second chapter of the book that Karen gave me about Job and it seems that the more i read the more realizations i have about this whole situation. satan is for some reason scared of me and my family and he is out to destroy the relationship i have with God. and like i said before that is not going to happen. God allowed satan to test me and he knew before i was born that this would happen. MY GOD KNEW THAT I WOULD NOT DENY HIM. today was an especially good day for me. God taught me something today that i will never forget. everything we have in life whether it be our family, children etc., our possesions and our finances God has "loaned" to us. ethan would not exist had got not placed him in my womb and ripened him into the sweet little baby that he could bring to heaven to live with him. he also created elijah and through all of this has allowed me to keep this other special gift that he loaned to me. i know elijah will do great things for the Lord. all of this that God taught me today has really brought me peace and rest. that's what i have needed. God is begining to heal my heart and bring me peace & rest. i continue to find comfort in the verse "be still and KNOW that I am GOD" until next time......

A good day!

So today has been a good day. After my complete emotional breakdown last night I needed a day like today. It went by so quickly. Seems like the days are going by and I know it will only be a short time til I am looking back at this whole nightmare saying I can't believe how long its been. I look so forward to staring into Elijah's eyes and just embracing the gift that God has let me keep. Knowing to that I will always have a part of Ethan in Eli. I started reading this book about Job and in only reading the first chapter it gave me a strong realization. Satan is scared of me and he thinks by all the things he has done to me that I will eventually walk away from my faith. Well let me tell you that is not going to happen. You would think by now that he would get the point. I am strong, determined and too much of a fighter to ever give up. God made me that way and although I have not always used the skills to the best of my ability he knew this day would come and I would need to find the strength and determination to go on. I got an email today from someone very special who reminded me that God does have a plan, and it really made me think....I know God is changing someone's heart somewhere, whether that be my dad, my brothers or someone I have never met he is doing a work. I talked to Patti today for such a long time and I said one of the smartest things I think I've said in a long time. (Even she was impressed ;) ) I am here crying out to God, letting him know that I am ready to stand on top of the mountain. I do not want to be in the valley anymore!! If I could ask for one thing it would not be to bring Ethan back because it would be unfair to bring him back to this imperfect, immoral world. But it would be to just let Elijah grow up to be what his name has called him to be. If you pray for anything for my family please let it be for my children. That they would become all that God has created them to be. That is what I am going to focus on from now on. Praise God! Until the next time..........

feeling lonely

So I decided that during this whole crazy stay in the hospital and with everything that is going on I should start a blog. I am so good at journaling and I really need to find an outlet for all my feelings and emotions. Plus I figure if people want to know how I'm doing, feeling etc. they can just get on here and don't even have to worry about reaching me. I love hearing from friends and I wish more people would come to visit especially today. I feel like on friday I had a real breakthrough or reached a turning point. I still feel that way but today I have just been feeling so lonely. Like there is absolutly noone who understands what I am going through right now. The way my body is changing and the fact that I am still carrying a baby that I lost. I feel so out of control, sad, anxious, angry, but on the other hand joyful and thankful that Elijah is doing so well. I'm begining to think of what I won't get to ever see Ethan do or experience. I think people just expect me to not think about what his future would have been like but I can't help it. It really is complete torture but like I said its me being out of control because I can't stop what my mind thinks. The last 9 days in the hospital have not been bad at all. I think I am just developing a routine here and putting myself on somewhat of a schedule. I think the stability of a routine is my coping mechanism. If I didn't know it before I now know for sure that I am a control freak! Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me. To let him be in control and quit trying to control the people, things and situations around me. Wow I just figured that out while I was sitting here typing lol! This blog is going to be such a good thing for me. In my times of loneliness I can scream it out on paper (aka the computer screen) Besides feeling lonely though I did have a great day. I got to spend the morning with my parents and Noah and Nathan stayed last night and all day today. We watched a movie then I had my breakdown of the day but he was here to comfort me and that brought me comfort. I love seeing Noah too. He just mends those broken pieces of my heart. Feeling Eli move does the same. Its amazing how much this little boy moves. Even the nurses and ultrasound tech are amazed at what he manages to do to my belly. Its like the wave haha. I talked to the doctor today and she really answered all my questions well. We talked about vaginal birth which I have decided to go with if my body lets me. I was really scared about it before because of the thought of laboring and having one living baby and vice versa but after we talked about the risks and how quickly and easy it will be for me (considering I had an 8 something baby before) I feel confident in my decision to go with that route. I just am praying that God gives me the strength I need. He has up to this point so I won't stop believing in him now. Well I feel like I have typed about all my emotions that I have for now. Until next time.........