feeling lonely

So I decided that during this whole crazy stay in the hospital and with everything that is going on I should start a blog. I am so good at journaling and I really need to find an outlet for all my feelings and emotions. Plus I figure if people want to know how I'm doing, feeling etc. they can just get on here and don't even have to worry about reaching me. I love hearing from friends and I wish more people would come to visit especially today. I feel like on friday I had a real breakthrough or reached a turning point. I still feel that way but today I have just been feeling so lonely. Like there is absolutly noone who understands what I am going through right now. The way my body is changing and the fact that I am still carrying a baby that I lost. I feel so out of control, sad, anxious, angry, but on the other hand joyful and thankful that Elijah is doing so well. I'm begining to think of what I won't get to ever see Ethan do or experience. I think people just expect me to not think about what his future would have been like but I can't help it. It really is complete torture but like I said its me being out of control because I can't stop what my mind thinks. The last 9 days in the hospital have not been bad at all. I think I am just developing a routine here and putting myself on somewhat of a schedule. I think the stability of a routine is my coping mechanism. If I didn't know it before I now know for sure that I am a control freak! Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me. To let him be in control and quit trying to control the people, things and situations around me. Wow I just figured that out while I was sitting here typing lol! This blog is going to be such a good thing for me. In my times of loneliness I can scream it out on paper (aka the computer screen) Besides feeling lonely though I did have a great day. I got to spend the morning with my parents and Noah and Nathan stayed last night and all day today. We watched a movie then I had my breakdown of the day but he was here to comfort me and that brought me comfort. I love seeing Noah too. He just mends those broken pieces of my heart. Feeling Eli move does the same. Its amazing how much this little boy moves. Even the nurses and ultrasound tech are amazed at what he manages to do to my belly. Its like the wave haha. I talked to the doctor today and she really answered all my questions well. We talked about vaginal birth which I have decided to go with if my body lets me. I was really scared about it before because of the thought of laboring and having one living baby and vice versa but after we talked about the risks and how quickly and easy it will be for me (considering I had an 8 something baby before) I feel confident in my decision to go with that route. I just am praying that God gives me the strength I need. He has up to this point so I won't stop believing in him now. Well I feel like I have typed about all my emotions that I have for now. Until next time.........